The short of it is I now own Iris Colomb’s soul. I bought it for just £10. It was witnessed by nearly 100 people. She signed the contract and now, for eternity, I may feed off her non-corporeal being. This will come in great use post brexit. An egg with a shell upon it is simply a crunchy egg. A soul with a shell upon it is simply a crunchy soul.

(I was happy with this one. Often my performances have to balance the fact that I am also introducing the event and my role as an organiser, and in this case, a lecturer to many of those in the audience, so I must walk a line between playful and menacing, strange and direct.)

Iris has since written to me, after I wrote to her, to ask if she too felt it had suddenly grown cold,

Dear Steven,

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you the sincerest congratulations for your acquisition of my French Soul.

Nevertheless, since the signing of our agreement, it has come to my attention that, in order for the European Union to redress the political and economic uncertainty that recent political events have triggered within it, along both its material and transcendental planes, and so that it may fulfill its prerogative to exercise complete sovereignty over its Constituent Souls, the Union must renegotiate the terms of previous transactions involving European Soul Dealers and buyers on the British Soul Market completed between the date of the United Kingdom’s 2016 referendum on membership of the European Union and the European Single Transcendental Market, and its impending withdrawal from these formations.

Thus, in accordance with the above legal imperatives, I hereby propose the organisation of a ‘Referendum For My Soul’ as part of our collaboration on Thursday, 28th March 2019, at “The leaving-our-own-continent Camarade”, delegating to our audience members the democratic right to exercise their own collective will by determining which party enjoys the legal right to the legitimate ownership of my French Soul.

Yours Sincerely,
Iris Colomb